Ruby and Georgia decided to spend four weeks in Los Angeles to help Ben get settled. It promised to be a huge distraction for Ruby but she said, “In the back of my head, I’m constantly thinking about that weight gain.”
Ruby’s trainers, Drew and Shazi, made a house call this week. Drew spoke about having to tailor all the workouts to Ruby’s physical and emotional limitations. A game of badminton doesn’t sound very intense, but it got Ruby moving and that’s the biggest goal that her trainers have. Drew and Shazi proposed a plan to help Ruby lose four pounds a week. An on the road diet and exercise plan for her trip to LA will be essential to her success.
While searching for old stuff to sell at a garage sale, Ruby found a stack of letters that she wrote herself when she was a teenager. Some were from as young as 13 years old and all of them were dark and depressing: “I’m dying inside”; “I’m so sad right now in my life”; “take me to a place where I can be happy.” On a restaurant napkin Ruby wrote, “I’ve had the experience of the deepest darkness” in black sharpie. Ruby remembered being a happy girl and had no recollection of writing herself such disturbing letters. She said, “I just remember happy Ruby.”
Georgia said that teenage Ruby would often zone out and start writing. It didn’t matter where they were or what they were doing. Ruby never let her read what she was writing but Georgia always knew that it was something serious. She would sometimes sit cross-legged and her bed and do nothing but rock back and forth.
Dr. Jane suggested that this darkness could be the cause of Ruby’s addiction. Ruby was completely detached from her younger self. She made comments such as, “I wonder why you would have written something like that.” She had a very difficult time referring to the girl who wrote the letters as herself.
Women’s Fat Night had a visitor this week, Pastor Paula White. She talked about her own struggles which included: the suicide of her father, physical and sexual abuse from the age of 6-13, weighing over 200 pounds, bulimia, anorexia and depression. Ultimately, Pastor Paula conquered her darkness and convinced Ruby that she can, too.
Ruby told the group that she would rather sit in bed and eat then remember her suppressed memories. She acknowledged that her freedom lies within accepting herself, but knows the road will be long, because Ruby’s not quite ready to integrate the child who wrote those letters with adult Ruby.