So many times, in communication, the message can be lost in the delivery. If I am too challenging, as a therapist, before a client trusts me and knows everything I say comes from the motivation to encourage, equip, and empower, then that client can feel judged, which is never my goal.

After much disappointment in not being challenged, this summer I started taking a technique class with a dance troupe that nears perfection in their performances. At my first class, the instructor told me that she understood that I was less than a year out from hip surgery, but I really needed to work on my turnout. I could have gotten frustrated or felt inept, but I was encouraged by the challenge and the possibility of being pushed to a higher level. In that class, I am constantly challenged mentally to figure out what I need to be trying to do physically. I have watched some of the teenagers become very frustrated and miss how much the instructor cares due to her high expectations.

There are definitely people who are not trying to encourage you to be your best, but I would like to challenge you to try to see through the yelling or how someone in your life is speaking and hear what they are trying to say. Sometimes we allow our history with a person to confound a message also, just like you might not hear how much Jillian cares if you are not comfortable with how much a parent yelled. It is important to surround yourself with encouraging people when you are trying to make a life change. It is also important that when you care about someone making a life change, you communicate your encouragement as effectively as possible. Perhaps, if you can hear past the yelling, you will find more people who are a part of your support team.

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Clear Communication Key for Life Changes

It is tempting to share the wisdom of your age and life experience with your kids, but they won’t believe that it is wise and applicable to their lives unless they believe you understand them and their daily activities and interests. Before you say anything, make sure you are listening to and asking about their daily lives and the people with whom they surround themselves. Let them teach you a thing or two and they may be more open to what you want to teach them.

Keep the message positive. Teens who want to assert their independence, be respected, and believe they are nearly adults will reject negative messages even more than the average citizen. Telling them to “not” do something, only makes them want to do it more (and doesn’t it work the same way for you too?). Positive reinforcement is always a good way to encourage more of a behavior that you appreciate. The other danger of negativity is that teens and tweens are very self-conscious. Encourage self-esteem in your child by empowering him or her, providing information and support, and always using positive language.

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Talking to Your Teen about Health

Imagine falling in love with someone who speaks a language in which you are not fluent or do not understand. How would you share and communicate about important subjects? How would you communicate your love? Consider the stereotype of the person that speaks more loudly when trying to communicate to someone who does not share a common language. It does not matter how loudly you speak Tagalog, I will not understand what you are trying to say with only your words. Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages,” has written a very popular series of books based on the idea of five basic ways that we communicate love with others. We use these languages to communicate caring and affection for everyone in our lives, partners, family, and friends.

He writes that each of us has a primary language through which it is easiest for us to both communicate and understand love. Communication flows easily when both parties are fluent in the language used; however, at times, we must utilize a language that may be more difficult to to ensure that the message is easily understood or learn to recognize and understand the basics of a language that is being spoken to us.

Spanish is my second language. I am fairly accurate at understanding when a friend writes emails in Spanish; however, I may miss nuances. My use of the language, however, is likely frustrating to her with my basic grammar. If you are trying to use a love language that is difficult for your partner (or friend or child) to understand, it will not matter how loudly you speak. On the other hand your partner (or friend or sibling) may be continuously trying to communicate love to you; however, you are not familiar with the language they are utilizing. Healthy communication requires responsibility for both clear expression and clarification of understanding. To determine what your primary and secondary love languages are you may want to take this quiz.

Words of Affirmation could be compliments, encouragement, or descriptions of your love. These words can be communicated in both written and verbal forms.

Quality Time is focused attention and shared thoughts. Simply sharing an activity is not quality time if there is not engagement with the other. Discussion and communication can be an important part of quality time.

Acts of Service include any task that may make things easier for the one to whom you are trying to communicate. Errands or chores such as taking out the trash, folding the laundry, or packing a healthy lunch can be acts of love.

Receiving Gifts can be a tangible symbol of love because gifts often communicate thoughtfulness.

Physical Touch can include any type of affectionate touch that is appreciated by the recipient. Touch is important for our survival and can be soothing, stimulating, or comforting.

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Fluent in the Language of Love